Seven Seductions of Madame Lau (1981)

Remastered Edition!

A Sizzling Mixture of Fantasy and Erotica!

Starring Annette Haven and Kay Parker

Watch "Seven Seductions of Madame Lau" Now In Our Theater

Well, here it is, the second movie preview brought to you by yours truly, at your request. Let me tell you, when my first review hit the stands, the phone just about rang itself off the hook. Oh it was so exciting! So many of you wonderful, darling readers called up asking questions about me, like "was I still a kid?" Whatever it was, it is always fun to get a phone call! Then, there was a nice guy asking me all about my commitments. He was kinda confusing, though, so I put him on the phone with Joyce James, and she said that the man wanted to know when I was being committed. As usual, that woman is jealous of my talents, and is still trying to get me fired. But with all the wonderful responses to my last month's review, there was no choice but to rehire me, so tuffskis on you, Joyce.

Watch "Seven Seductions of Madame Lau" Now In Our Theater

Not that the last month has ben a bed of roses. J.W. Hardon was a little bit embarrassed by my article, especially the part about him wearing women's underwear. He's taking it very well, though, and I don't think the article has hurt our relationship. At least, I don't think it has; I haven't been able to ask him yet, since he keeps hanging up on me when I call and saying , "Drop dead, finkface." Of course, this is just part of J.W.'s great sense of humor, which is sooooo adorable. At least J.W.'s girlfriend didn't mind the article. She even called me up and thanked me for it. "Angel," she said,  "you unwittingly did me a great service; now I know what a treacherous, deceitful, corrupt bucket of festering fazool that J.W. is." Now, J.W's girlfriend is a college girl, if you know what I mean, so naturally I didn't know what those words meant, but I guess she was talking about how much better she understands J.W. now, which is really important if you're going to be somebody's girlfriend, for crying out loud. Oops, I mean, ex-girlfriend. For some reason, they don't seem to be going out together anymore. This is too bad, since they made such a nice couple.


So anyway, thanks to the sensation caused by my last article, Boz decided to let me  do another movie preview! "But this time, Angel, try not to mention any names. Prove to me that you can do a good job." I'm no fool, if I do say so myself, so I closed the door to Boz's office, and proved that I could do a great job: blow job, tha is. In no time, Boz was saying, "Great work, Angel... a little faster now... ohhh, watch those teeth.: Outside the door, I could see a whole bunch of shadows clustered in front watching our reflections, and I could hear that snotty bitch Joyce James yelling, "What the hell kind of way is that to get an assignment. That ignorant bimbo couldn't write her way out of a pork sausage casting!" Joyce James, in addition to being a nasty, horny bitch, has no sense of humor at all! You should have seen the looks she fired at ole Boz when he fell through his office door. "Really, Boz, and what has become of dignity?" Sheesh, you'd think she'd walked out of a forties Bette Davis movie with that corny line.

After I had proven myself to Boz, he took me by my hand and led me to the preview of a keen new film made all the way in the Orient. Well, it looked to me like it had, but everyone else said that it was just because Annette Haven was made up to look like a China woman, or Chinese person, or whatever it is.

Well, the movie was a lot of fun, and the screening was like a big party. I was lucky enough to get scrunched up in a group of movie viewers who know how to have a good time. Boz and I know how to have a good time, too, but these people (from other magazines) surprised us - and I thought that Adult Cinema staff were the kinkiest folk around!

"The Seven Seductions of Madam Lau" is the name of the great new movie we saw, and it was directed by some guy named Charles De Santos. Boy, does he have a good imagination! I have to admit, the story was a little too complicated for me to follow, but I kept asking the people around me what was going on, so now I pieced it all together.

First, Richard Pacheco comes on screen. The best thing about him is his looks, which are very, very cute. Also, he talked pretty funny, something like Laurence Olivier in "Wuthering Heights." I thought that maybe he was only pretending to be Laurence Olivier, but Boz explained that he was only pretending to be British. Annette Haven, too, looks different from when I saw her in "Coed Fever." I began to feel jealous when all the guys in the theater started turning green around the gills and loosening their collars when she came on screen. So what if she is gorgeous, I'll bet she can't give as good blow jobs as me! Well, a few minutes into the movie, Boz turns to me and says, "Hey, why don't you pay attention tot he oral techniques Annette is displaying - particularly the way she doesn't bit Richard Pacheco's cock!" I wasn't sure, but that felt a little too much like a crack, so I started to pout. I couldn't put long, because I was supposed to be watching this movie so I could tell you what it was about. I stopped pouting, and tried to do what Joyce James tells me to: "comport myself with professional dignity." Which I take to mean, "grow up and stop pouting!"

Anyway, in this movie, which is called "The Seven Seductions of Madame Lau," Annette Haven tries to teach Richard Pacheco a thing or seven. Dicky plays a wealthy playboy searching for something more than a good lay. I didn't think there was anything better than a good lay, but apparently Charles DeSantos and the guys at Pacific Ocean Pictures did. Dicky asks Annette Haven, who plays a mysterious Oriental wise woman, to teach him "to find the ultimate sensual experience." She takes him on seven sexual journeys, each one more exciting than the next. Madame Lau is a lot smarter than the playboy, and she sets him up a lot. Like for example, she has a gorgeous movie star named Farah (Laura Lazare) hop into his bed with him. She is the girl of his dreams, but she never talks throughout the whole scene. This is because she is only a fantasy, or an image that Madame Lau has created to get him thinking. After they fuck, Farah disappears into thin air, and the playboy realizes that Madame Lau has  special, magical powers. Luckily for him, she also has other powers which drive him buggy.

This playboy, Christopher, was used to just fucking hard and pulling out. Madame Lau taught him all about foreplay, and about enjoying the whole "sensual experience." In the first scene they have together, Madame Lau gives Christopher a hot oil massage, surrounded by incense and candle light. By the middle of this scene, there wasn't a murmur in the whole theater; everyone was too busy getting either hard or wet. Since she is supposed to be cool and disciplined, Madame Lau keeps pretty quiet in this scene, while Christopher is going out of his mind. One thing I have to say is that Richard Pacheco makes a lot of noise when he is fucking, or even getting a massage or a blow job. You could tell that he was enjoying every minute with all these beautiful women. I'd sure like to meet him. As I said, Annette Haven keeps pretty cool until she massages Christopher's front side. When she gets her mouth down on his rod, her controls start to ease up a lot. She's done for when he starts playing with her tits; they begin to shake all over with her excitement. The very famous actress and editor named Gloria Leonard was sitting near me, and I heard her say, "She's got the best tits in the business." She was talking about Annette Haven, not me.

There were so many sexy, exciting scenes that I don't know which to tell you about first, so I'll tell you about my favorite one. Whew, was this a hot scene. Remember when I said that the rich playboy wanted to experience "the ultimate sensual experience?" Christopher's third seduction shows him restrained on a satiny round bed, while five women suck and munch every inch of his bod. In keeping with his excitable style, Richard Pacheco is at his best in this scene, practically throwing himself out of the bed trying to get at the girls. The way Madame Lau has set it up, all Christopher can do is lie back and enjoy it, and listen to the voice of the gorgeous black woman dressed like an aviatrix. Uh, make that dominatrix. Her black tits look familiar, though, and everyone in the theater says that it's Annette Haven in disguise. I wasn't sure, until she speaks. She talks to Christopher throughout the scene, tormenting him with the fact that he's tied up and can't touch any of the women. The scene goes on for a long time, with the poor guy ready to burst any minute, and Madame Lau whispering to him, "you'd like to come now, wouldn't you?" over and over again. As all this is happening, you notice that people are standing around the bed with movie cameras, as if they are filming something. sure enough, they are making a porno flick out of it! Boy, is old  Christopher surprised when he takes off the blindfold and realizes that he's been made a fool of. He starts feeling really shitty, and wishing that he could fuck someone he cared about now, instead of just fucking.

While Annette Haven and Richard Pacheco are burning incense and doing tantric sex, his secretary (Carol Doda) is taking her clothes off for the first time on screen. Naturally, I didn't think too much of it, since I thought that everyone took their clothes off in a porno film, but Boz told me that this was "an historical moment in porndom." Carol Doda had been famous for a long time, as a high class stripper in California, but she had never bared herself on screen. She certainly has enormous tits, and there was a lot of excitement in the audience when layers of her clothing started to be removed. Carol was also very funny, so I hope she'll be in a  lot more films. So did everyone else.

Madame Lau decides to let Christopher relive some of the sexual high points of his life, starting wiht his relationship with a high class lady called Mrs. Barrington. Georgina Spelvin looks very sexy and hot as the woman who shows him how to fuck. And let me tell you, she makes a great teacher. In the next scene, Madame Lau recreates an afternoon of romance between Christopher and his wife, played by Kay Parker. Our favorite "Taboo" star showed her soft, gigantic breasts once again, much  to Boz's delight. "If she gives him a blow job, I'm going to come," Boz muttered to me. I wonder whether that was another nasty remark about my blow jobs? Another "historical moment in porndom" occurred in the Kay Parker scene. According to Boz they invented a new version of the pull out cum shot. it is a great moment when Richard Pacheco pulls out his cock and let his come trickle down Kay Parker's ass - the first time ever! Wow! And I just thought it looked like fun!

I hope I get to do another preview for you after this one. It takes me a long time to write something down, but it's a lot of fun to tell you about what really happens her at our offices, and to let you in on the best movies around. "the Seven Seductions of Madame Lau" is a movie you really should see. It is horny, and educational, too. I learned a lot about how to improve my technique in giving head. Now, if I could just figure out what to do with my teeth...

Watch "Seven Seductions of Madame Lau" Now In Our Theater

Theatrical Review Published 1981